Time to Talk

I am a mother to three beautiful babies. I am a wife to the most amazing man on earth. I’m growing my bakery slowly but surely. My blog continues to grow daily. I’ve been told I have a smile that lights up a room. I’ve been also told that I am a motivator. 

Majority of my life I have been this happy and joyful woman, always wore a smile, and strove hard to make others happy as well. Recently, it feels as if I woke up one day feeling completely overwhelmed, panicked, stressed, depressed… I feel as if no matter how blessed I am, how beautiful my life is, I can’t fight back these tears or bits of anger. 

About two months after giving birth to my beautiful baby boy, I was diagnosed with post partum depression and post partum anxiety. Something I never imagined I would face to battle. Like I said, I’ve always been so happy and cheerful. And now holding my baby boy… This should be the happiest moments of my life with my beautiful babies, I should be enjoying every second, but I’m drowning in this funk, covered by this dark cloud that won’t go away. 

My doctor wants to put me on medication to help with both, but emphasized how the medication could diminish my milk supply, as well as make my (currently controlled) heart condition worse. The negative side effects scared me just as much as the constant battle of emotions terrify me. But after a lot of consideration and talk with both my OBGYN and Cardio doctors, I’m trying to tackle this without medication. 

It’s a tough battle to say the least. I prefer to say “battle” over “suffer” cause everytime depression or anxiety hits, I will hit back twice as hard! For now, instead of going day by day, I’m going moment by moment. I am working hard on figuring out what works and what doesn’t. This last month I have spent reflecting on what triggers my anxiety and depression. How to put myself first so I can take care of everyone else. How to see a situation differently and teaching myself to react differently. 

I know now it’s perfectly okay to admit I’m not okay and that I need help. I’ve always been so stubborn and never wanted to burden others with my problems. But battling PPDA I’m learning that I need help from others as well as myself to get thru this. I want to be the best mother and wife I can possibly be. I will fight hard to get thru this and not let it consume me. 

I’m hoping sharing my story with everyone as I go thru this will help others, but also help myself. Getting what I’m feeling deep down out onto “paper” helps me tremendously!! So hold on tight…. cause it’s going to be a bumpy road to happiness and becoming a stronger better version of myself. 

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